* Morning alarm clock: Son #2 slamming the laptop frustratingly down onto my bed (perilously close to my slumbering head) while screaming like wild hyenas were attacking him. A.K.A. Introduction to E-learning Lesson 1. 😴
* 10:30 am: escorted by the grim reaper over the River Styxx for my third (yes third ~ and hopefully final) surgery for my tooth implant. Cha-Ching goodbye another $950. Most. Expensive. Tooth. EVER. Don’t even ask. 🙅🤬
* 12:15: Arrive home to the raucous sounds of two boys blowing up society on Fortnite. Child # 3? Wholly unaccounted for. But iPad is missing. Wherever she’s lurking, she’s winning this day hands-down. 😉🤗
* 12:17 pm: Horrifyingly happen upon the ugly remains of the ferocious bear attack that happened to our kitchen. 3 very ravenous bears apparently made small work of pretty much every consumable item in the pantry that: a) did not require any preparation; and b) did not contain any trace amounts of beneficial vitamins. 😱 Note to self: order a fire-proof gun case to swap out with the pantry closet pronto. Crap, they’re on back-order on Amazon. 🤦🏻♀️
* 12:30 pm: Retreat to bed with my beloved ice pack for my horrifically swollen face. Think Rocky-post-Russian-bot-fight-meets-The-Elephant-Man. No sooner than the welcome ice meets my achingly disfigured cheek, I hear that oh-so-familiar, bloodcurdling shriek. Cue the instinctive toe-curl.
“MAMMA!! Where ARE you?? Come here NOW!!!! I mean NOW!!!!!!!”
[Do.Not.Move. Or Breathe. Or Exist.]
* 12:30:02: “NOW!!!!!!!!!!!”
[Yank covers over head]
* 12:30:05: “MAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”
[turn cell-phone screen-side down under the comforter to avoid any proof of life]
* 12:30:06: [inaudible screeching at such a pitch that surely every dog on the block is at my door by 12:30:06:01]
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* 4:00 p.m. Mandatory reading hour. Hunker down with The Scream for some story time.
* 4:00 p.m. Mandatory reading hour. Hunker down with The Scream for some story time.
* 4:02 pm: [Enter Son #1, snarling.]
“Are you seriously making us read for a whole hour???! Like, legitimately??????”
Um, yes. Read a physical book. it’s an ancient art. Try it. You might like it.?
[Son #1, turning haughtily on his heel and stalking out of the room, with his beloved life-line held up to his pouting face]
“Siri, search for new parents. Mine are the WORST.”
😳
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Titanic sank 4 days into its maiden voyage. I see you, Titanic, and raise you two. We’ve already hit the iceberg. Prepare for evacuation. 😱
Oh 😡😡😡, that’s right. The inflatable lifeboats won’t get here until April 18th with the rest of my Amazon delivery. Well, since we won’t have TP by then anyway, maybe a nice dip in the frigid sea will be the perfect cleanse. Especially since my oh-so-longed-for dip in the nice, warm Gulf of Mexico scheduled for Spring Break just evaporated into a mist of oddly-lime-smelling vapor. #ihateyoucorona
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